Limbo Dancing
2005-06-15

Good ol' Tharg! He came all the way to Earth from his home planet of Quaxxann ("You don't have to put on the red light") to bring us a comic! Yay! That's impressive, not to mention generous. I mean, this guy can travel through the entire universe, he's pretty much all-powerful, yet he deigns to exile himself on this cruddy mudball of a planet in order to provide us with weekly entertainment! What a guy!

Now, Starlord - the alien editor of Starlord - had a different purpose: he came here to help train us to be soldiers in the battle against the Interstellar Federation (his training manual was cleverly disguised as a comic, so that the bad guys wouldn't recognise it). I always thought that it was a little arrogant of Starlord: I don't remember ever hearing the Int. Stel. Fed's side of the story, do you? Regardless, Starlord was clearly incredibly efficient at his job; his crusade succeeded after a mere five months and he handed some of his characters over to Tharg.

Tornado's Big E, on the other hand, was more that just an editor. He was also a superhero. Trained by Tharg to fight crime and chase deadlines, Big E seemed to spend a good deal more of his time editing his comic than he spent catching actual criminals. I reckon he was a bit of a coward. Anyway, Big E got the Big Elbow when Tornado merged with 2000 AD after only twenty-two issues.

And then there was Walter the Wobot, the "editow" (urgh!) of the extremely short-lived (and thankfully all-but-forgotten) 2000 AD spin-off Judge Dredd comic. "Gweetings, Weaders!" his introduction began. "I'm Walter, the twusty wobot sidekick to the gweat lawman Judge Dwedd! I bwing you this tewwiffic new comic featuwing your favouwite hewo and his fwiends!" and so on, for two whole pages. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. With his comic unceremoniously dumped after only a single issue hit the shelves, Walter was fired and packed off back to Mega-City One to lick his wounds.

Now, let's be honest here... Even as kids, we all knew that these editors were fakes! Tharg was a guy in a painted caveman mask, Starlord was a drawing, Big E was guy in a silly costume, and Walter was an annoying little git.

[Addendum from the hospital bed: Just as I finished writing the above paragraph, a strange orange ball of flame appeared from nowhere and zapped my bottom. It was a Rigellian Hotshot. Therefore, I take back what I said about Tharg being a fake. Trust me, kids, the others might be fakes but Tharg is a real alien!]

What was the deal with comics in those days? Why did they think we needed an editor figure at all?

Well, like ads for Matchbox toys and Trebor sweets, like well-loved phrases such as "not actual size" and "subscriptions are not now available", like secretly reading your sister's comics when no one was looking, it was a tradition. Comics publishers wanted to create a sense of community. If you felt that you were part of a club, you'd be more likely to keep buying the comic. Some of the DC Thompson comics (such as Warlord and Bullet) had actual clubs you could join - members received a plastic wallet, decoder card, pendant, giraffe trap, that kind of thing - but the Fleetway comics had nothing of the sort. A missed opportunity there, I think! Just imagine if there had been, say, a Judge Dredd club - the bits and pieces would be worth a fortune on eBay!

But the big question - and Sprout does love those big questions - is this: Where are those editors now?

Thanks to my increasingly-handy time machine (which also travels through space and other dimensions and that), I have managed to discover the hitherto-secret location of the fabled land of Obscuria, wherein reside many of yesterday's heroes... A quick shufty around later, and presto! We are proud to bring you an exclusive round-the-table group interview with Starlord, Big E and Walter the Wobot!

Sprout: Big E, you can probably guess my first question...

Big E: Uh oh! I think I know what you're going to ask!

Sprout: That's right! It's about your uncanny resemblance to top artist Dave Gibbons! I guess everyone asks you about that!

Big E: Oh, they do! But the fact is, Sprout, I wasn't always this handsome. You see, when Tharg found me I was just plain old Percy Pilbeam. He offered me the chance to become a superhero, and - well, it sounds vain, I know - I asked him if he could make me a little better-looking. Now, seeing as he's an alien, Tharg doesn't know good-looking from a hole in the ground. He asked me what I meant, and I pointed to Dave and said, "Something like the way he looks." Well, next thing you know... Zap! I was a superhero and looked exactly like Dave!

Sprout: I bet that caused a few awkward moments!

Big E: Oh, I could tell you some stories!

Sprout: I bet you could! Don't, though. Instead, tell us about how Tornado folded.

Big E: Well, first I have to say that we don't like to use the word "folded". What happened was that Tharg and I discussed the situation and decided that it would be in our mutual interest to merge the two comics. And since 2000 AD and Tornado is still going strong after all these years, it was clearly a good idea!

Walter: But the comic hasn't been called that for a quarter of a centuwy!

Big E: Er... What?

Sprout: Leave it, Walter! What are you up to these days, Big E?

Big E: Oh, I'm working on a number of interesting projects. Can't really talk about them at the moment, you know how it is! But I can tell you that last year I met Fireball at a party in his uncle Peter's estate - lovely chap, Lord Flint. Have you met him? - and we talked about doing something together.

Sprout: That's... er... marvellous. Hope it works out for you.

Big E: Plus, of course, Tornado is still very big in Albania. Huge demand for it over there!

Sprout: Albania? Really? I was there last year...

Big E: Did I say Albania? I meant Albani... zachi... stan... grad. Yes. Albanizachistangrad. They love us over there. Conventions and everything.

Sprout: That's great... Thanks for that.

Big E: Not at all. My pleasure, Sprout! And can I just say that I'll be doing Dick Whittington later in the year?

Sprout: Ah, panto! The great British tradition!

Big E: Panto? Oh. Yes. That's right. [Awkward pause]

Sprout: Now, Starlord, if I can turn to you... What's been keeping you occupied for the past couple of decades?

Starlord: The battle against the Interstellar Federation is a never-ending one! I've been working with other races, in other star-systems, training the raw recruits into efficient fighting machines!

Sprout: And... Are you still in the comics business? I'm asking because it seems to me that there's probably a more efficient way for a military recruitment officer to get his message across. Certainly there has to be a more dignified way.

Starlord: ... What languages do you speak, Mister Sprout?

Sprout: English, French, German, a little Italian, and Esperanto. Why?

Starlord: You don't speak Xrandeluvian, then?

Sprout: No.

Starlord: Really? Well, maybe that's because we kicked the living crap out of Xrandeluvia before those slimebags got anywhere near your dumb planet! That answer your question? You snot-nosed pansy pacifists make me wanna puke! We're out there day after day, on the edge of the galaxy, putting our lives on the line so people like you can sit in your comfortable time-machines and ask smug little questions!

Big E: Now, steady on there, pal! He didn't mean it like that!

Starlord: You can shut your pie-hole, kid! I'm a bloody war hero! You smartass little... "Oh, look at me! I'm a superhero! Oooh! I can edit a comic faster than a speeding bullet!" You wimp! Where are your characters now, eh? Me, I've got Strontium Dog and Ro-Busters still going strong! What did you contribute? Wolfie Smith, Black Hawk and Captain Bloody Klep! I've had pimples that lasted longer than your characters!

Walter: Weally, Starlord! You're just being wude! Mister Spwout was kind enough to -

Starlord: What is this... thing doing talking to me? Why is it even here? It's just a glorified percolator! To hell with you lot! I don't have time for this garbage! There's a war going on out there, in case you hadn't noticed!

[Exit Starlord]

[Awkward silence]

Big E: Well. He's, um, spirited.

Sprout: He's a git.

Walter: Spwout, I pwesume you're weady for me to wegale your gwoovy weaders with stowies of the hundweds of hilawious expewiences I had when I was wunning the gweat Judge Dwedd comic.

Sprout: What?

Big E: Dunno. Something about a comic, I think.

Walter: I said, I think it's time for you to ask me some questions!

Sprout: Good idea... Can I have a cappuccino and a danish pastry, please? Big E? What'll you have?

Big E: It's on you, right? I mean, it's not that I'm strapped for cash or anything...

Sprout: No, it's on me. Fire away.

Big E: Great, thanks. Okay, Walter... I'll have a double espresso and a chicken salad sandwich. Er... And the same again to go, please.

[Enter Starlord]

Sprout: I thought you'd gone off to fight a war?

Starlord: Yes. I did. Um... I forgot my cape. Sorry.

[Exit Starlord again]