Queaquam Leap
2004-07-11

Here's a serious scientific question: if time-travel is ever going to exist, doesn't that automatically mean that time-travel always has existed and always will exist?

Let's say that a hundred - or a thousand - years from now some genius comes up with a flawless way to travel back and forth through time. Actually, travelling forward through time is already possible; in fact, it's mandatory. But let's say that time-travel in the SF sense becomes viable... That means that time-travellers will start visiting the past. And there's going to be a lot of them, because even if there's only one traveller a year, well... Between now and the end of time there's an infinite number of years.

So, with an infinite number of time-travellers, there's bound to be a large number of cases where the traveller gets ambushed and his machine gets stolen. In most cases the thieves won't be able to make the machine work, but some of them will. Thus, the secrets of time travel will be laid bare for all people - of all times - to use and abuse as they see fit.

The upshot is this: as we have yet to encounter any visitors from the future, time-travel is not and never will be possible. QED. However... Despite the cast-iron logic there, I happen to know that time-travel is indeed possible.

I hear you cry, "Gosh, Sprout! You're so clever and sexy and everything, but what the drokk has this got to do with the price of munce?"

Well, dear reader, gird your loins and buckle your swash, because Sprout is about to reveal something that's going to take your breath away (and no, it's not a plastic bag):

You see, I know that time-travel is possible because the man from the future told me.

He arrived at the door last night. "This is Sprout Mansion?" he asked my manservant.

"It is," I said. "And I'll thank you to keep your eyes off my manservant," I added, as I closed over my bathrobe.

"I come to you from the future with knowledge of things to come," he said. "Specifically, I've got the gossip on the next fifty years of 2000 AD."

"What, it's still called 2000 AD fifty years from now?"

"Yeah. Well, mostly. Just recently it merged with another publication, so now it has both titles. But you know how it is; they'll drop the other title after about six months. But right now it's called 2000 AD and The Financial Times." He sighed. "To be honest, it's not really the cutting-edge stuff it is here in your time. That's one of the reasons I came back. I want to be able to experience the comic when it was at its absolute best."

"And that's right now?"

"It sure is. I mean, here in the year 2004 you haven't even found out that Judge Dredd turns out to be an alien all along!" Then he went "Drokk it!" and slapped his hand against his forehead. "Sorry, I'm always doing that! This is even worse than the time I let it slip that Rogue Trooper gets killed at the end of the fifth movie because Vin Deisel was sick of being typecast!"

Curiosity got the better of me. "There's going to be some Rogue Trooper movies?"

"Yeah, but they only made them because they couldn't get the rights to Ace Trucking Co." His eyes went all misty. "Man, that would have been a cool movie! Jonathan Ross as Ace - of course, this was before he got the body transplant and went mad and was hounded out of his castle by torch-wielding villagers - and Rik Waller as GBH. But maybe it's just as well it didn't get made; I downloaded the script off the externet and the writer clearly didn't know his stuff. For the Speedo Ghost he had a disembodied spirit in swimming trunks. Anyway, here I am, from the future. I bet you have a million questions to ask me!"

I thought about this. "Next week's winning Lotto numbers?"

"Four, seventeen, eighteen, twenty-one, thirty, and forty-four. Anything else?"

"Er... Will I win?"

"Yes and no... Yes, you'll win, but what's going to happen is that your great-great-great grandson is going to come back in time and rig the machine so that it gives different numbers and someone else wins instead. This is because he'll be annoyed that you don't leave him anything in your will. But listen... I'm really only here to talk about 2000 AD. Ask me anything you want!"

"Does Floyd Kermode ever stop writing letters to the Nerve Centre?"

"Yes, but only after his advisors tell him that it's not proper protocol for the First Earth President to send fan letters to a comic."

"Well, tell me about the new Dredd movies, then."

The future man got a wistful look in his eyes. "Ah, the Dredd movies! Well, I could tell you all about them, but you don't really want me to spoil the surprise, do you?"

"Yes."

"Well, the first few were good, but after Macaulay Culkin took over the role they went into a bit of a decline."

"Oh. What about the comic itself?"

"Like I said, it's not as good as it used to be."

"How do you mean?"

"It started off as a kids' comic, right? And then it sort of grew up with the readers. When I come from, 2000 AD has been running for eighty years... There's not a lot of excitement in a comic for people who are well into their nineties; Jerry Atrik and The Way Things Used to be So Much Better in The Old Days is probably the best of the recent strips, though CyberGranny isn't bad either. And there's a new series of The Harlem Haemorrhoids starting soon, that should be good. As for the old strips... Strontium Dog got distemper and had to be put to sleep. The ABC Warriors were dismantled and stored in the shed just in case the bits come in handy some day. Dredd spends most of his time complaining that his neighbours play their music too loud. Robo-Hunter's been rejuvenated and cloned so many times that he's now his own grandpa. And you really don't want to know about the Valkyries," he added, with a shudder.

"What else can you tell me about the future of 2000 AD?"

He shrugged. "Like what?"

"Did they even finish off that bloody Dan Dare story?"

The future man swore and raised his eyes. "I was warned about your obsession with that bloody strip! Just forget about it, okay? No, it never comes back. And I've visited the future of my own time, too... I know everything that happens in the next five thousand years' worth of progs, and Dan Dare never makes another appearance. He's gone."

Before I could respond to that, he interrupted me: "And no, they don't use any of your stupid ideas to bring him back! Don't look at me all innocent! I know you're planning a column where you suggest lots of ways to finish off the story!"

"Rats!"

"However, they do use your idea about a female clone of Judge Dredd. That one's a great success!"

"I don't remember ever suggesting that!"

At this point, the time-traveller produced a very old, tattered and yellowing sheet of paper, on which were some very familiar words. "You mention it in this column. See? Right here where you quote me as saying, 'However, they do use your idea about a female clone of Judge Dredd.'"

I stared at the page. "But this is crazy! You mean that you've got the Sprout column that I'm about to write, and it's all about you coming here?"

"Yep." He pointed to another paragraph. "See this paragraph? It says, '"Yep." He pointed to another paragraph.'"

I read the following paragraph too, and - after it mentioned about me reading the following paragraph too - it said, "It says what I'm saying right now! Even as I'm saying it!"

The time-traveller whipped the page away. "I know you want to keep this, but you can't, sorry. It's worth a small fortune."

I beamed. "Because I wrote it?"

"No, because it's printed on real paper. There's only another sixteen years to go before the last tree becomes extinct."

"Tell me more about my own future, then."

He shook his head. "No can do. That's against all the rules, and I've said too much already. Anyway, I'd better be off." He took a tiny device out of his pocket and began tapping the buttons on it.

"That's your time machine?"

"Yeah. It's not as cool as my brother's, though. He can download really cool ringtones on his. Okay... Nice to meet you, Sprout. Hope that the coming infection doesn't get you down too much. Just don't scratch the sores and stay away from bright lights, you should be fine. I really only came back to 2004 to open a bank account. You people think that house prices are high now? Wait until the government introduces their new taxation system: lawn tax, garden gnome duty, banister tax, three-point-plug tithe, openable door tariff, surface area tax inclusive of shelf-space, view out of the upstairs window tax... It's crazy! There's even a tax on owning a television set, whether you watch it or not!"

"Er... We have that one already," I said. "It's called a television licence."

"Seriously? Aw, funt!" The future man's shoulders sagged, and he started hitting more buttons on his time machine. "Better go back further..."

And a few seconds later, he faded away...