Penny Drops, 25p per qtr.
2003-10-03

Did you ever get one of those moments where you suddenly realise that something you've always known to be true is, in fact, wrong?

I call them Sudden Realisation Moments, or SRMs for short. You know how it goes: an old song comes on the radio and you realise that for the past twenty-five years you were wrong in thinking that John Travolta was singing about shoes that were made of plywood. You get SRMs a lot when watching movies and television - "Oh... He's the killer!" - but they're quite rare in real life.

An SRM happened to me quite recently... I was flicking through some back-progs of 2000 AD and I came across the first Bradley story. I'd always hated the little bugger and thought that the artist - Simon Harrison - was rubbish, and I wasn't shy about telling everyone. But this time I decided "What the hell, might as well read it. It's either that or get some actual work done." So I read it... And it was great!. The story was very engaging, very witty, the artwork suited it perfectly, and I was left with my foot in my mouth and egg on my face as I ate my words.

I'd been wrong about Bradley, and wrong about Harrison. I started wondering what else I might have been wrong about, but then a safety device attached to my ego kicked in and put a stop to it; thinking like that is the first step down the one-way cul-de-sac of madness.

So instead I decided to have a little think about other times in my life when I had SRMs. This I did, and now I'm going to share some of them with you... (Because I'm supposed to be writing about comics, I'll omit the many SRMs that are connected with sex.)

SRM #1: Superman can fly because he's an alien - not because he wears a cape.
Six years old, pillowcase, roof of shed - you can fill in the details yourself.

SRM #2: Adults sometimes forget that kids have a different frame of reference.
For a long, long time my parents thought that I was interested in sub-aqua things. You know how parents are: you show an interest in something once, and forever after they can't get that out of their heads. So... I'm eight years old, and my mother's reading through TV listings page in the evening paper. "Oh," says the SproutMammy, "there's a programme on tonight about Jacques Cousteau." I ask who he is, and they tell me, and I announce that I desperately want to see that show. They relent and we watch it, and by the time we're half-way through I'm thinking, "Ah... So a frogman is not a man with the proportionate strength and leaping ability of a frog..."

SRM #3: In the real world, you're completely wrong if you think that you can wear a Robin mask and no one will be able to recognise you.
Seven years old, home-made Robin mask, sweetshop, police - need I say more?

SRM #4: Vampires and zombies do not have the ability to detect children hidden under blankets.
There was, of course, a later SRM that went along the lines of "vampires and zombies don't exist" but this one was much more profound: at last, I had some protection! For the first time, I knew that I'd be able to make it through the night and greet the dawn in perfect health! It wasn't long before I even abandoned my morning ritual of checking my throat for bite marks.

SRM #5: Radioactive spiders are quite hard to find in suburban areas.
And not only that: It's just not possible to obtain super-powers by experimenting with the chemicals you find in your mate Brian's dad's shed. You can't even gain "power over electricity" by holding magnets in each hand and licking the contacts on a battery, dammit!

SRM #6: A wise man judges another not by his words, but by his meaning.
Maybe "Drokk" is a made-up swear word, but that doesn't mean you can get away with calling your little sister a "Drokkin' drokker." In a loud voice. In front of your parents. And the local priest. And the rest of the congregation.

SRM #7: Women who understand that comics are a medium and not a genre are worth their weight in Space-spinners. At least.
Mrs Sprout not only occasionally borrows some of my comics and graphic novels, there are also times when she will even - as revealed in last month's column - mention comic-related things in a casual and relaxed manner, much like I imagine normal folk might mention television programmes.

SRM #8: Tharg took advantage of my youthful gullibility.
In retrospect, it probably wasn't wise to cut up my progs so that I could put together all those multi-part posters and booklets. Because of my loyalty to the comic and my enthusiasm for showing off my sellotaping skills, I now have a large collection of progs that have no back pages. That said, I can't really hold Tharg responsible for all the colouring-in I did on my early 2000 AD annuals.

SRM #9: Mega-City One Judges have Daredevil-style radar.
They must have: I mean, not only do they wear their dark visors at all times - even at night - but the helmet's eye-holes have gotten incredibly small and squinty over the past twenty-six years, and it certainly can't help that they all have white lightning-flashes over the rest of the visor. Let's face it; in real life, Judge Dredd's helmet would be a bloody liability.

SRM #10: Sometimes you just have to get over it and grow up.
Dan Dare is never coming back, is he?