"My Name is Joe"
2003-08-12

So supposing that these proposed new Judge Dredd movies ever get past the planning stage... Who should play the part of the man himself, Judge Joseph Dredd?

This is a question that has vexed many - if not most - JD fans over the years, but it was all resolved back in 1994 or whenever, when we discovered that Sylvester Stallone was to play the role. "Oooh!" some of us went, suitably impressed. "Sylvester Stallone! One of the world's biggest action-movie stars! And wasn't he nominated for an Oscar for the screenplay of Rocky? This is gonna be GREAT!"

But almost immediately, THEY came out of hiding. "They" being the sniping begrudgers, those pedantic little gits who automatically complain about everything. "I heard they're going to show Dredd's face in the movie! But we've never seen his face in the comics, therefore the entire movie will be utter crap and I intend to write a letter of complaint to my congressman, or, failing that, my MP, assuming that I somehow manage to learn to spell MP. Or at the very least I will write a snotty letter to Tharg and perhaps he'll send me a free mug."

Now, I've got a soft spot for movies based on comics, and I've got another soft spot for Judge Dredd, and a hard spot for Diane Lane, so as far as I'm concerned the movie was great. Sure, they changed stuff from the comics. Big fraggin' deal! Look at Tim Burton's Batman... After sixty years of continuity we learn for the first time that the guy who shot Bruce Wayne's parents grows up to be The Joker. That's a pretty drokkin' serious change! And Dredd fans were complaining because he took off his helmet? Guys, you don't spend twenty million dollars or whatever on a world-famous actor and then ask him to remain anonymous!

But I digress... Let's say that the movies get the green light, but on a limited budget. This means that Stallone isn't a possibility. Apparently the producers of the new movies favour Jean Reno. Hmm... Interesting. He is a great actor, but I'm not convinced he's got what it takes. Aside from him, who should be the next on-screen Joe Dredd?

Well, I know exactly who it should be, but since I'm not even half-way through my allotted word count, I'll string it out for a bit...

Whoever plays Dredd should be...

American. Or at the very least, he should be able to pass for American. So no to Jean Claude Van Damme and no to Arnold Schwarzenegger. That said, we certainly don't want a Dredd who's got a deep Texan accent ("Y'all are under arrest, y'sumbitches!"), or who comes from California surfing stock ("I am, like, y'know, the law, dude?").

Big. We're talking at least six feet tall here, and I don't mean "six feet tall in his boots, standing on his toes, on a box, with big hair and a helmet." Since all the Judges' uniforms are more or less identical, and we usually can't see their faces, Dredd needs to be big so that he'll stand out from his colleagues.

Hard as Nails. Mrs Sprout believes that David Morse would make a good Joe Dredd: he's American and he's big. Plus, he can be pretty scary in some movies. But is he hard enough? Not even close! Dredd should be the sort of guy who oozes that unique "don't even *&#%ing think about it!" quality, and Morse is just too nice. And let's not even go near her second choice of John Cusack (anyway, I want him to play The Stainless Steel Rat).

Relatively Cheap. Any big-name actor will probably have an ego to match, and so will want his fizzog on-screen. But a non-A-list actor might be more inclined to get into character and not worry so much about his own self-image. Anyway, a fifteen-million-dollar movie can't really afford to hire a twenty-million-dollar star.

Able to Act. Able to Act, eh? Well, hard luck to all those who were rooting for Vinnie Jones and hoping that he'd somehow pummel his way past the "should be American" rule. We're looking for someone who is more than just a hard-case. Bye-bye to Vin Deisel, then (though he has got the look). Okay, so Vin's not that bad an actor, but I'm saving him for the part of Rogue Trooper.

So how many actors are there who fit the list? Well, quite a few. Kathy Bates springs readily to mind, so that probably means we need to add some more rules... The actor should be male. And white (which is a real shame, because I'd love to see Samuel L. Jackson playing the part), and aged between forty and fifty-five, because we need that "grizzled" look.

By now you're probably thinking, "Golly, Sprout! I'm intrigued! Do tell!"

Right... The ideal actor to play Judge Dredd, has, among many other roles, played a sword-wielding psychopath, a granite-fisted drill sergeant, a sadistic prison guard, and the leader of a group of interplanetary colonists. He's American, big, hard as nails, able to act, and relatively cheap.

And his name is Clancy Brown.

Some of you might be thinking "Huh?" (others might be thinking "What's for dinner?" but that's beside the point). If you don't know who Clancy Brown - or, as I like to call him, The Next Judge Dredd - is, then check out some of his movies, particularly The Shawshank Redemption and Starship Troopers.

Trust me on this one: He's got the look, he's got the build, he's got the voice, he's got the attitude... And considering how much voice-over work he's done (for cartoons and video games) I'm guessing that he's not so egocentric that he'll demand that his face be shown. On top of all that, he's got quite a fan base: he was in the classic cult movies Highlander and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension as well as the much-missed TV series Earth 2.

So shout it loud, and shout it proud: Clancy Brown for Judge Dredd!

I'd like to see the pedantic little gits find fault with THAT choice!